Contribution by a survivor:
Please go away bad things I beg of you now.
I wish to sleep but I don't know how
I don't like these memories, or these pictures that I see
I screamed and cried but no one ever came to save me
Please go away and don't bring any more pain
GO AWAY I feel like If you don't I will go insane
I don't want to feel, or remember his touch
run away memories, I don't want to see you, It hurts too much
Please go away, you've shown me what I never wanted to see
slip from my mind, vanish from my thoughts, please just let me be
I don't want want to remember his smile, sweat or his smell
Or the way he made that tiny baby promise not to tell
Please go away bad memories, It pains me to breath
Everything hurts, I need time to grieve
I don't like the dirtiness and the way I've carried this shame
I've spent my whole life walking this earth thinking I was to blame
Please go away bad memories, I wish that you had never come
when you grace my presence you leave and I feel numb
I don't like to hear the voice In my head of that child begging him to stop
Or remember as he didn't listen, threw her down, and climbed on top
Please go away bad memories you make my body remember what It once
I also remember dolls, jewelry, and toys he left, making him think forgiveness
I do not wish to see any further or to remember the blood that ran down her skin
what that father did was wrong, sick, and disgusting, It was the ultimate sin
Please go away I hate everything I see in these horrible, hurtful things
I feel like a bird laying waiting to die with its broken tattered wings
I do not wish to know what was done, be a victim, or live any longer in this past
I ache, I hurt, I scream, I cry, I beg, I see, I remember how long will this last?
Please go away all sadness you've been here far far to long
My heart Is always aching and singing Its sad sad song
I don't like these bad dreams or this life living with these fears
My heart Is heavy and my body Is raw, I am blinded by my tears
Please go away bad things I beg of you now
I wish to sleep but I don't know how
ASCA Santa Clarita
ASCA Santa Clarita was 1 year old on 5/1/12.
Many of us survivors do not have happy memories of birthdays, holidays etc.
and find celebrations a challenge.
So it was particularly poignant when many survivors turned up to celebrate
our 1 year anniversary after our April 29, 2012 meeting.
Thank you to all for making this memorable and fun!!
Contribution by the same survivor above, 8 months later:
I am floating around this earth, a ghost, unnoticed, and empty.
Yet I leave footprints in the sand.
I breath, and I walk, my heart beating but I feel dead
All I had, every part of me was cut off.
Falling to the ground to disintegrate at the feet of the ones causing my pain
I was stuck in the body of this dead child unable to break free
But I grew, somehow
I transformed and became something else, someone else
I left her body there. I saw what those men were doing to her
So I floated away and she perished with her words stuck in the back of her
Words that formed screams, and screams that turned into begging
Begging to understand, begging for it to stop
Begging for an answer, but none came
Now I feel non-existent. Just a soul, traveling in search
In search of something, in search of life, in search of hope
Maybe still searching for an answer
I continue my search yet I find it difficult to move in this decomposed body
These hands are dead, these feet are dead, my heart is dead
My everything is dead
I must put that little one to rest, So I can breath
Closing her eyes, and crossing her hands across that dead heart
I release her
Awakening the spark of life back into my veins
It ignites like fire, then flows through me and down to my fingertips
Throwing all numbness, shame, and guilt in that coffin with her
I lower her body into the dark earth and say goodbye
I tell her I'm sorry no one ever saved her
Throwing dirt on her grave I walk away
I walk away knowing it's ok to feel
To be here, surviving, even tho she didn't
I can be alive for her, because she never got the chance
I can feel life pulling at my ankles begging me to join it and to simply let her rest
So I follow life, to breath, to walk, to keep my heart beating
Yet more then that.
To feel, to love and be loved, to learn and to know
To remember and yet move forward
To feel not like a ghost but as this beautiful butterfly I have transformed into